Friday, 23 July 2010

BrewDog's Next Beer: Ahab's Undoing

"Ahab's Undoing is a Polydimensional meta-rauchbock, sealed in a Brazilian Rosewood kilderkin and implanted into the abdomen of a live sperm whale, named Billie Joe in honour of Punk pioneers Green Day. The whale then roams the seven seas for 50 years, monitored by satellite and armed with nukes to keep the sushi-eaters at bay, before being lured into an arena at Deep Sea World (Inverkeithing, Firth of Forth) where the beer is "tapped" with a harpoon gun and "poured" via the animal's blowhole, into sequin-encrusted replicas of Duchamp's urinal (customed-made by Damien Hirst, using telekinesis) which are then presented to a select gathering of truly open-minded beer lovers.

"In an attempt to subvert the capitalist structures propping up the ossified cadaver of the bland booze mainstream, we will not be charging money for the opportunity to sample beer history in the making - instead, interested parties will be required to hand over their firstborn offspring, to be used as fermentable material in our next opus-in-waiting, which is tentatively titled Brave New World.

"The beer itself is infused with an innovative mixture of protozoan zooplankton from the South Pacific and top-quality bespoke dogfood (reflecting the life-cycle of the whale), and is brewed to an unprecedented -50%abv. This singularly unique and uncommonly individualistic barnstorming tour de force of antialcoholic exclusivity will induce such a profound state of sobriety in the discerning rebel iconoclast that he or she will never think of anything the same way twice for the rest of their taboo-busting and preconception-immolating livespan.

It's a truly insurrectionary brew, the beer equivalent of the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. Don yer sowesters, friends - thar she fuckin' blows!"

[Emailed to me by Dan Payne, Beer-Ritz employee extraordinaire, demon cinematic projectionist, and DJ of rare talent. Thanks Dan]

14 comments:

  1. Hahahah that's made my day! Granted it's only 8:37 bland there's a long way to go but I'll be chuckling at that for a while

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  2. Nobel? Not for Brewdog though...

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  3. The brewdog blog is starting to look like the the postmodernism generator has been used to write it.

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  4. Hahahahahaha, this made me laugh out loud!! Brilliant!

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  5. They'll be recycling Methylated Spirit & fly agaric via tramp-urine next © ;)

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  6. It's funny cos it's true.....the scales have tipped for me, I'm afraid!!

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  7. Fricking brilliant, I was away when this story broke and just can't be arsed to comment on it! Mind you, this says it more hilariously and eloquently than I ever could!

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  8. Superb piece of sarcasm there.

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  9. I'm buying Dan a beer when I next come to the shop. It might well be a BrewDog one ;-)

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  10. Pure genius. Oh wait, that's another brewery better known for marketing than beer quality.

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  11. "sequin-encrusted replicas of Duchamp's urinal"

    Worth it for that alone.

    Ceci n'est pas une biere.

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Sorry about the word verification - the blog was getting spammed to bits.