Tuesday 25 June 2013

Thou Shalt Always Blog

Thou shalt not get so drunk you ruin other peoples' evenings.
Thou shalt not drink Desperados or shout Lager Lager Lager.
Thou shalt not take the names of Fritz Maytag, Ken Grossman, Jack Macauliffe, John Gilbert, Sean Franklin, Evin O' Riordan or Dave Wickett in vain.

Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 with a beard and sandals is a CAMRA member. Some people are just cool.
Thou shalt not read beer blogs.
Thou shalt not stop drinking a beer just because the brewery has upscaled.
Thou shalt not question Garrett Oliver.

Thou shalt not judge a beer by its IBUs.
Thou shalf not judge BrewDog by inches of news.
Thou shalt not buy ABInBev products.
Thou shalt not buy SABMiller products.
Thou shalt not look at your brother's home brewery, buy a load of stainless, and build a better one.
Thou shalt not get impressed so easily.

Thou shalt not use you beer blog and Twitter feed to get into a brewery's pocket.
Use it to get into their heart.
Thou shalt not drink Fosters.
Thou shalt not attend homebrew group and then leave as soon as everyone's tried your double IPA, you hopheaded numbskull.
Thou shalt not email beer importers asking them if they can get you any Hill Farmstead beers - it's never going happen mate.
Thou shalt not put beers and breweries on ridiculous pedestals, however important they may seem.

Pliny The Elder: it's just a beer
Westvleteren 12: Just a beer
Dark Lord: Just a beer
Speedway Stout: Just a beer
Hopslam: Just a beer
Pannepot: Just a beer
Beer Geek Brunch: Just a beer
Cannonball: Just a beer
Orval: Just a beer
Ola Dubh: Just a beer
Racer 5: Just a beer
Xyayu: Just a beer
Fat Tire: Just a beer
Yorkshire Stingo: Just a beer
Cantillon Geuze: Just a beer
The next big thing: just a beer

Thou shalt give equal consideration to non-American IPAs as to American IPAs - freshness really matters, you know?

Thou shalt remember that water, malt, hops and yeast are the four elements of beer, and that's it.

Thou shalt not join the Campaign for Cooking Lager,
Thou shalt not join the Campaign for Cooking Lager,
Thou shalt not join the Campaign for Cooking Lager,
Thou shalt not join the Campaign for Cooking Lager.

Thou shalt not "hate to see it leave"
Thou shalt not "say cidre, not cider"
Thou shalt not "refresh the parts other beers cannot reach"
And thou shalt not follow the bear

When I say "malt" thou shalt not say "hops"
When I say "hip" thou shalt not say "hops"
When I say, he say, she say, we say, craft beer - kill me.

Ah, I forgot where I was, hang on.

Thou shalt not "Belong"
Thou shalt not be "a bit gorgeous, pet"
Thou shalt not wish you beer had a few more hops

Thou shalt spell the word "Belgian" B-E-L-G-I-A-N, not B-E-L-G-I-U-M, regardless of what you read on Beer Advocate

Thou shalt not express your confusion at the latest barrel-aged lambic IPA by saying "AWESOME!"

Thou shalt drink for yourselves.

And thou shalt always...

Thou shalt always blog.

With apologies to Scroobius Pip and Dan Le Sac.